Christmas really got out of hand this year. It felt excessive and lacking, overwhelming and disappointing. I spent more than I have ever spent, but woke up every morning overcome with sadness and a sense of failure that it still wasn't right. That is NOT how I want Christmas to feel. Even when it was over, there was still endless returns and exchanges and gift cards and money to be spent & more shopping to be done. That bad experience was the beginning of the brainstorm that has become my plan for this new year. It started with an agreement between my daughter & I that for the next year, until next Christmastime, we would both eat no sugar, white flour or fast food & we would not shop at Walmart. Together across the miles we would both get a step closer to the simpler life we both desire. Then a few days of being off the sugar, my head began to clear and the thoughts & ideas began to churn & one Sunday afternoon, standing in the middle of Kmart, I thought, "What in the hell am I doing? It is Sunday afternoon and instead of being at home listening to Prairie Home Companion with my little boys & husband, I am SHOPPING again." I had the realization at that moment that I didn't have to shop at all. Anywhere. I did not have to be a consumer. I made the decision then & there to not shop for one year. To abandon the consumerism I despise and live off the fat of the land. I knew I could not be excessive for one minute more, so I left the store and began to formulate my plan. For one year I would buy nothing new at any retail store. I would not pursue certain items or a look or a style or a color scheme. Decor would not be in my vocabulary. I wouldn't try to express myself through what glasses or dishes I bought, or curtains I hung or clothes or shoes I wore. I would use only what other people had gotten rid of. I would only shop at Goodwill. I will shop at grocery stores only. The one exception I made in my plan was to include Dollar General, as it is not a hotbed of consumer temptation and delight and I can purchase soap, toilet paper, cleaning supplies & such for less expensive than the grocery store, I also will buy new towels, wash cloths & underwear. Loew's or Home Depot or a local hardware store will also be allowed for home repairs. But all shoes, clothes, furniture, gifts, housewares, books, everything must come from Goodwill or purchased used online. More later on the challenges this presents and the treasures I am finding. Letting good things come to me instead of hunting them down. No Walmart, Target, Kohl's, Petsmart, Dollar Tree, Cracker Barrel, Bed Bath & Beyond, Ross's, Border's, Toys R Us, Gamestop, nothing new all year. Will I be able to figure out how to just live with what I find at Goodwill? Will I be able to resist the temptation of buying that new book I just have to read? Will I be able to overcome the need for instant gratification and learn patience and self-denial. Will my children put themselves up for adoption? Stay tuned.
Caring For Your Introvert
Caring for Your Introvert
The Atlantic Monthly | March 2003
DO YOU KNOW someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.
I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.
Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.
What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."
How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."
Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.
Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.
Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)
With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.
The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."
How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.
Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"
Third, don't say anything else, either.
7 comments:
Wow - I am in awe.
There were tons of blogs this time last year where people were doing essentially what you are attempting - I was trying to find some of them to help encourage you. I will see.
I cannot do this to the extreme - but I support you wholeheartedly.
I can't wait to read about your journey.
I LOVED the contrast in the expression "it felt excessive and lacking" - isn't that JUST how Christmas feels lately? It was to me too.
You and I think alike. Did you read my blog entry today? HA!!
Tina!
I am so happy to see you in blogland. I'm looking forward to reading about your new adventure. I actually totally get what your saying. Our Suburban died and I told Tav that I will just stay home until we have cash to fix it. I will not go MORE into debt to fix it. God said he would provide and he is bigger than a transmission. We have the truck so I can buy my groceries, but the rest of the time I stay home. I figure within a week or two of not having to buy gas we should have the money. HA!
Love you!
You amaze me Tina. You have been a loyal and wonderful friend for over 20 years...
I can not wait to read how things go for you. I feel motivated and encouraged to try to simplify myself. Love you!! Mary
It was a hard Christmas for me too, but Christmas Eve was fun, right???
I will see you at the grocery, as I too have been avoiding Walmart since before Christmas, after almost throwing a tantrum at the pharmacy. It sure is hard, like when I was shopping for New Years Eve stuff and knew Walmart had it for less, but after the Alexandra's pep talk that went something like "Walmart is of the devil" we just did without. And judging from all the things I forgot to serve that night, we didn't even miss whatever it was.
Glad you are blogging again.
You should read "Life of Pi" - I think you would like it and Alexandra has it so you don't have to buy it.
PS - Try www.freecycle.org (you have to sign up for a local yahoo group)- it is a great place to not only find things but to bless others with things you no longer have use for.
Oh Momma I just love you so much!
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