Simply Me: Paddling Back on Course

I have one more installment in my pet series I would like to publish here soon. But I am currently distracted. I am right back where I started at the beginning of this year, at the beginning of this blog. I lost my vision & got off course. I have completely strayed from my plan, gotten bored & fallen back into old patterns. I am unsettled & discontent. I have forgotten to have a grateful heart & to focus on simple pleasures. I saw an episode of Northern Exposure last night that was the best sermon I have heard in a very long time & exactly what I needed to hear. In a nutshell the story was about how if we allow materialistic people who are more affluent to have influence over us we can quickly find ourselves having a spirit of discontentment & craving better circumstances. About coveting & jealousy & bitterness. I was reminded (again) that material possessions really don't bring happiness & how I have allowed myself to feel the lack in my life rather than enjoying the abundance I do have. The episode ended with a picnic by the river under the blue sky surrounded by mountains in God's beautiful creation. Nature that can't be owned or possessed. Instead of eating what comes from the Earth for our nourishment I am eating white flour & sugar again & feeling the affects. Theatre & sports schedules have turned us back into a drive-thru family. My kids are back to being little rabid consumers, "needing" the next action figure every week. I spent a lot of today researching and reading and trying to dig up information and inspiration. But like so many other things that I waste time on & spend energy trying to obtain, it was right here all along. Simply Me. The most helpful advice I found was my own. Simple, huh? I went back and read my own blog, my first posts & my goals for the year. Instead of trying so hard to figure out how to hold on, I am once again going to try to let go instead. So I am relinquishing my debit card to Gaston & my greedy heart to God. Back to sitting back & see what life brings me without me making it happen. Remembering to pray when I have a need instead of losing hope. Trusting it will be provided & when it isn't to believe there is a reason greater than my need. I will try harder to refrain from grumbling quite so much & try to remember to be grateful instead. There is one thing I failed to share with you this year that I should have, something Gaston blessed me with that I need to be enjoying instead of focusing on all that is wrong. For Mother's Day, he bought me a kayak! A beautiful brand new kayak of my very own. So even though my deck is rotted, my water doesn't work hardly, I can't do laundry & the car is falling apart...who cares!...I HAVE A BOAT! :) So next time I am envious of someone else's life I should go straight down to the river and paddle away the day. Time to get up and brush myself off & get back on course. Time to stop being overwhelmed by the laundry, dishes, house & car. Time to remember to turn my face to the warm sun, to look at the sky, the trees, the moon, & the river. I hope focusing on the stars will help me navigate back where I need to be. I hope tomorrow I remember to like my life. I hope I remember to choose contentment.

The Atlantic Monthly | March 2003

DO YOU KNOW someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either.

4 comments:

jblieu said...: One of the best things about Benji is that I am forced three times a day to walk and listen and take in all the beautiful sights and sounds that we are so lucky to live amidst. I could do that without him, but probably wouldn't - certainly not so regularly.
Ricky has known all along that we had everything we needed - he tells me all the time he never wants to move because who could want anything better than this (as he motions to the outside) - the mountain and trees, he tells me.
Your Kayak is awesome - and now you even have a truck to get it to the river. Go enjoy!; Monday, July 21, 2008
Shasta said...: I heard about your kayak from Claude-Pierre! I have always wanted to try kayaking but just never have gotten around to it. You have the perfect spot along the river too it seems. Not many people down that way. I love picturing quite places near water it just rejuvinates me!; Monday, July 21, 2008
Mary said...: Welcome back :-).

You have a boat??!! I am so jealous!! We now have a "river". I will send you pictures. We have discovered a little bit of paradise just few miles from our house. I would love a kayak! Of course I would sink a kayak (ok, i need to get back on track with eating lifestyle myself).

You are so inspiring to me. I love to read you blog and your words of wisdom!!

Love You!! Mary; Monday, July 21, 2008
Anonymous said...: Me too. Thank you for teaching me that truth Henry. I was just thinking today how grateful I am for it.
-Tallulah; Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Simply Me

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Paddling Back on Course

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Caring for Your Introvert