Simply Me: The Only Perk

The week the new coffee shop opened I took Clyde-Pierre's little brothers down to give our vote of support. It cost us $10 for 3 small drinks, a bagel & a bag of chips, so that will be our last vote for awhile. :) It was worth it to see Clyde & Kameron & check out the new look. It also inspired a great conversation on the way home. Actually at our house we don't actually have real conversations, we just each talk, sometimes at the same time. The ride home's main controversy was the flat screen TV that was installed at the coffee shop. That & the lack of any healthy food I can eat pretty much ruined it for me. So the three of us got inspired and started playing "How I Would Decorate the Coffee Shop If It Was Mine". I said I would paint all the walls deep, rich earthy colors & make it smell like cardamom & cloves. I would grow herbs in the window & sell organic coffee & healthy nourishing food. I would line the walls with book shelves filled with all the best books and tear down the TV and put up a tasteful beautiful nude instead. Wolfgang said he would paint the walls dark blue, play jazz music, replace the TV with a piano & put up pictures of famous jazz musicians. Little Hank would leave the TV and play Nickelodeon on it all day, put in an arcade & a pool table, some more TVs, sell candy & ice cream and paint the walls in pink & yellow stripes. He would get a couch that pulls out as a bed in case anyone wants to go to sleep. Wolfgang says no one will be going to sleep in that room. I said after being in that room no one would sleep ever again. Then Wolfgang chuckled at how different we all are & which kids got my Storytelling gene & which got Gaston's Mr. Actual-Factual gene. These two qualities are extremely hard to blend and harmonize. Do you know how hard it is to tell a beautiful embellished tale when you are being constantly interrupted and interrogated about the facts? Anyhow, Wolfgang decides that the extreme weirdness of our family will insure that his artistic siblings will all be famous one day. In the backseat Hank is still going on & on about ..."pink & yellow stripes"... and I mumble, "Yeah. Or infamous maybe"....
Since then an New & Better Idea has evolved. (I have too much free time on my hands) Now I think Dwayne, Jack, Tav & Friends(?!) should open up a proper coffee shop for us! Every morning Dwayne is down there in Ranson brewing a beautiful pot of Black Dog anyway & inviting the world to join him. On the weekends Shasta's kitchen is saturated with the smell of baking cookies, pumpkin & spices. Jack is the world's best barista. Tav knows how to make things work, loves people & his lovely wife would really love a lifetime supply of free coffee. :) Someone suggested calling it Two Fat Guy's coffee...but I didn't think that was very nice. hehehe Funny, but not nice. :) Plus with Jack there it would have to be Two Fat Guys & a Skinny Dude. A facebook exchange between Julie & Dwayne involving some Texas coffee humor made me think of calling it "The Only Perk". Just think! A place we all love to be, Pete & Becky would hang out with their boys, Gaston is a gourmet cook...We can all help! Our kids can work there, we'll be sure to make sure it's open on nights the theatre has shows & rehearsals & dance...book discussions, Bible studies, musicians...oh my! Coffee served in real glass cups ... really good food. I think Wolfgang's piano idea was a good one. Wouldn't that be GREAT! The possibilities are endless. Dwayne says PRAY. So, pray, people, pray. Let's do this thing. I say build it & they will come.

The Atlantic Monthly | March 2003

DO YOU KNOW someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either.

14 comments:

Shasta said...: I would love, love, love to open something up like this! Dwayne, I and countless friends have talked about it on several occasions.; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Dwayne D said...: How insensitive, Jack and Tav are not fat! :D; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Keet said...: hahaha! & neither are you. you are fluffy. without hair. (((hugs))); Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Kathie said...: Ha ha ha!!I love the name and a lifetime of free coffee sounds great. I'm praying.; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Mary said...: I like Hank's idea.
Mary; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
justjuls said...: Hey! I'm in - and I'm definitely coming back for this one! I can bake stuff with Shasta and schmooze customers cause you know people like me *sometimes*.; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Keet said...: heehee...I like Hank's idea too! It would be like a Chuck E Cheese for grownups! HA! What a hoot. ooooo! Can we have skeetball?!; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Shasta said...: Oh and I'd mix your idea and Wolfgang's idea together and make it a music and book friendly atmostphere. I love the idea of books and more books of course I'd put several poetry and Shakespeare books on the shelf and a complete works of Emily Dickinson book. The piano would be awesome. I know the exact place we could use to. The church and parsonage behind DQ is for sale. We could turn the church area into the library/music area the downstairs into the coffee, food area and the parsonage could host games, bible studies, ect...; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Anonymous said...: INCREDIBLE!!! AMAZING!!! MAGNIFICENT!!! WOW!!! I LOVE IT!!! Count me in!

~Tay Tay; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Dwayne D said...: The Chuck E. Cheese thing is fine, but if there are TV's y'all know I'm watching football on Sundays.; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Kendra said...: Ooooooh wow!!! What an amazing, wonderful, splendifferous idea...

Your descriptions make me miss everyone SO much!!!; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Anonymous said...: Somewhere around here I have written down some cool names for such a place, but my idea included icecream. It was about a year ago when I actually had some $$$ to invest, but now I don't, sorry!!! Anyway. I was thinking about icecream, coffee, books, places to hang and maybe a little area for some local talent, art, etc.
Keet, glad to see you back on your blog. I would have liked to have been in the car with you guys during your brainstorming session.
Luna; Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Merc said...: Ohmigoodness I love you all so much. Don't forget the Gox in all this coffee house planning. This is something she's been wanting to do for a long long time and she's got the experience to boot. Shasta's right, you have to have some good Shakespeare and poetry (e.e. cummings please.) and we could do readings and such. Mom, love the cardamom and cloves and nutritious food. I feel fantastic right now by the way. I've cut out all sweeteners and only have fruit and sweet taters in that dept. Lukas, I love the jazz ideas. Sam, you may need to have an ice cream store somewhere and you had best bring your delightful funky wonderful self to the Only Perk too because the world needs more of you. Hope you are all having a terrific autumn.; Thursday, November 06, 2008
Keet said...: oooooo! Alex indeed! How cool would that be?; Thursday, November 06, 2008

Simply Me

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Only Perk

14 comments:

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