Simply Me: Not So Simple

Okay, here is an update on My Year of Simple Living. Who am I kidding? This sucks. I am bored out of my mind. I am so tired of THINKING about everything and I miss SO many things! I miss Walmart, the cashier that wears the funny little alien antennas to match whatever holiday is coming up? I miss her. I miss Stan the Greeter that we always buy a diet soda for, what if his diabetes gets worse, what if he isn't there next year?! The Big Mac song is stuck in my head, "two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce lettucecheesepicklesonions on-a-sesame-seed-bun!" I miss junky cereal, bright with marshmallows. I miss Sheetz & the grumpy coffee attendant who always huffs at me for making a mess. I know deep down she really loves me. I want to not have to think about organic foods, corporate greed & consumer responsibility. I want one of those frozen pizzas shaped like Mickey Mouse, dammit. Could someone please just turn my brain off for awhile? It was kind of cool being the smartest kid, but not a lot of people walk up to me and say, "Hey, weren't you that kid at the top of the entire kindergarten class of over 100 kids in 1971?!" I don't get that a lot. I don't think I was always like this. I used to eat potted meat on Zesta saltines with my Dad. I am fairly confident it was not organic. I think motherhood did this to me.... Fast forward to the next day... But motherhood also did something else for me! Just when I was about to throw in the towel, my daughter and best friend Tallulah called. She started telling me about how good she felt, how she was eating healthier than she had ever eaten before and was feeling like a million bucks. Shut up. I was just trying to not slip into a sugar induced coma from the half a pop tart I had stuck in my mouth earlier. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover and made a decision. I am NOT giving up or quitting. I am getting back on track. I am going to do this. Even though I was starting to slip and "mess up" and feel crazy again (like when I wrote the beginning of this post) I still hadn't messed up big time. I was starting to drink way too much coffee again. No value meal drive-thrus wearing dark glasses or eating tubs of ice cream though...just little bites of stuff here & there. A bowl of cereal with Hank. Little stuff. But boy oh boy did it make a difference! In an attempt to "lighten up" and have "fun" I almost blew it. I was starting to want more more more but for once I caught myself. I want my mental clarity back and the energy more than I want the Mickey Mouse pizza. I am going to work on lightening up and balance and fewer rules but what is fun is to wake up and want to play with your kids and that was going away. So I got up yesterday morning had high protein breakfast, ate well all day,(even when Gaston starts munching down on Kentucky Fried Chicken & biscuits!) I ate lots of meat, eggs, dairy and vegetables, potato before bed, no sugar, white flour, bad oils, coffee or alcohol. So, thanks to Tallulah and very supportive emails from Mary & Julie, I AM BACK! At least for now. Whew. That was a close one.

The Atlantic Monthly | March 2003

DO YOU KNOW someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either.

3 comments:

justjuls said...: Making major change is hard.
I am so proud of you.
You are trying to live in a way that is not very supported by our culture - everything is set up for the plastic, sugar, and white flour diet. It is a lot harder to do what you're doing.
Keep going - You're my hero - second to the dredlock lady!; Monday, March 03, 2008
Mary said...: YaY!! You must feel so good about all this. I have to admit, I was getting a bit worried about you but knew you would succeed!! It is sooooo hard, life is hard. You are one amazing woman!!

Love, Mary; Monday, March 03, 2008
Great-Granny Grandma said...: You are blessed to have Tallulah's support in this endeavor and that it's something you share. It is really hard to stick with such major changes when you're flying solo. Hang in there!; Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Simply Me

Monday, March 3, 2008

Not So Simple

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